Dear Donnie,

The honorable House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has posthumously summoned me from the dead because she just can’t handle any more of your whining, panic attacks and KFC bingers. In the interest of getting back to my current iteration of the afterlife, I have composed a cease and desist letter on Facebook because I know you love Twitter and you also like to do everything out loud.

I think it’s pretty sad that I made you so full of yourself that you had the audacity to think you could become president. It’s common knowledge that I was your bank. I didn’t give you all that money because you deserved it. It was to get Mary Anne off my ass and for you to shut up so I can get on about my busy day. We got you busy with “projects” so that you weren’t able to mess up my real estate business so then you tried to compete with me. (LOL) We honestly could care less what you were up to or if you lost money. We just wanted you out of the way but we had no idea you’d get so pissed you’d become president! My bad!

I was wrong. I had no idea how to be a dad. Now after death, I’m sure of it. I’m sorry I did it all the wrong way but business is all that I knew. If I was alive in 2016, I would have had a talk with you and told you the truth about who made it possible for you to make all your “fortunes.” It was me all along. I made all the phone calls every time you slipped up or pissed people off. I greased the right palms and made all your problems just go away. That’s why you thought you were so “great.”

I’m not around anymore and there isn’t anyone to “fix” all the problems you’ve created. Please pull it together son because you’re in real hot water! Thanks to all the B.S. I made you believe, you became kind of, well, mentally ill. Truth is, we all participate in creating the monsters that we are today. We’re all a-holes in some way so don’t beat yourself up. It’s ALL good! Life is good! You’ll see!

Please share some serious truth with the public because, well, it’s just the right thing to do. Getting everything for nothing is the false reality that I made up. Makes sense why you could care less about your office as President but it’s not too late! A lot of reality TV drama is about to take place but none of this is worth it if you end up in jail or hated by everyone (even after death.) You’ll just end up crying like a poor baby while the masses get their collective asses handed to them once their “get rich too” reality bubbles shatter. Don’t make people shake fists at you for taking food off the table.

Truth is, I was a better businessman because I studied, worked hard my whole life and knew what I was doing.

I’m sorry our relationship was mainly business but the truth is I never knew how to love anyone.

Cut it out or else.

-Love,
Dad aka Fred

P.S. This urgent plea from Donald Trump’s dad was posthumously channeled via The Rev. Hooman in a last attempt at reconciliation to make America “great” again.